Just for Today 01

Sometimes we see in magazines pictures of people who have had make-over's. We are amazed at the change and how different the person looks in the after pictures. In the interview they often say how they feel like a new person.

Al-Anon was my make-over. I feel wonderful; I behave differently and possibly even look different. By the time I reached Al-Anon my life was totally unmanageable.

My skills at manipulation and control were simply not working and daily I felt worse.

I badly needed something to set me on track again, because although I was functioning it was at a crisis level.

At my very first meeting I felt at home, unconditional love and understanding surrounded me. I had found a place to heal and get strong. My situation was hopeless, so I believed and I dived into the program.

Any suggestion was taken as a lifeline, even when I thought the ideas were madness and would never work for me. I tried everything going and the miracle was, it worked.

I started to feel much more in control of myself. When sometimes I felt a bit desperate I reminded myself that all I had to do was work at the program to get better.

I now know that the Al-Anon way of life is a guarantee to a better life. Its not always easy to give up all those old ways but the Al-Anon way works.

I am so much better and happier and getting better every day and its all thanks to everyone I have ever met in Al-Anon, each of you have helped me in my quest for recovery.

UNITAS, August/September 2001

This article may be reproduced in its entirety without alteration using the following credit line:
Reprinted with permission of UNITAS (South African Al-Anon Magazine), General Service Office,
925 Libertas Building, Voortrekker Road, Goodwood, Cape Town 7460, South Africa.
[http://www.alanon.org.za]

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Angels

By Lindsay

Think well of me and I become better.

No one is as bad as in his worst moments. No one is as good as in his best moments. There is always the danger that you can judge a person for the rest of his life based on one single mistake that he has made. People are indeed crucified on the grounds of an incorrect attitude or a wrongful deed. And yet a bad characteristic is still not a bad person. One bad day is not a bad life.

If you dwell on the evil, you will do evil and you will repulse and corrupt people. If you dwell on the good, you will appreciate your fellow man and say: You are welcome, you are worthwhile!

With good people everything becomes good again. Good people are a blessing to this world. You are a good person when you give without thinking of yourself, without wondering about how you can benefit in the process, without waiting to hear a thank you.

Man - you were not made to be a victim of industry, of production, of bank accounts or shopping centres. You were made to be human! You were created for the light, for joy, to laugh and to sing, to live in life, to contribute to your fellow man's happiness and joy. Man - you were created in the image of a God who is love. With hands to give, a heart to love and two arms just long enough to embrace others!

I believe in the goodness of people, like I believe in spring when the Almond-tree blooms.

Angels are people who are transparent. They are people who let light through. Where they are, everything becomes bright and clear. They are people filled with life who bring the dead alive.

Angels are people who have received something of the original joy of paradise. Believe me, angels are beings of flesh and blood who keep the world straight in a visible way. Deep within them you experience something of the mystery of unfathomable goodness, which dawns on man through everything. In them love becomes tangible, so that you just want to embrace it. In these people I feel God approaching me with all his tenderness and concern.

You are busy with something. You just can't seem to finish it. And then along some invisible antenna somebody somewhere gets an idea, a sort of instruction to come to you and help you, be a support to you, give you a boost or to comfort you.

You are an angel, you then say. You say it to a man, a woman, a boy or a girl. Sex and age plays no part in it. Something God, something wonderful befalls you. Life becomes carefree and all pain disappears!

But you don't receive angels by order. They often come quite unexpectedly, are often unnoticeably present, show you the way and then disappear again! I have met many angels. Sometimes they appear from the midst of a crowd, emerge from the street, take you by the hand and solve your problem and then disappear into the street or crowd again. Nameless, without waiting for a thank you.

There are still angels in the world. But there are too few angels that is why there is still so much darkness and so much misery. God is looking for angels among the people of our day. But too many people don't see Him any more, don't hear Him any more.

They have put away or broken their antennae somewhere. They don't pick up any signal any more and don't transmit anything either.

Come on, you are an angel and there are enough people in your vicinity to whom you can be an angel.

God has given each person something, which they can use to make other people happy.

I walk in the street and see no leftist people and no rightist people. I only see 'people'.

I wriggle into trains and buses during peak hours and I see no leftist people and no rightist people, only people, hasty people!

I walk around in clinics and hospitals and I saw no leftist people and no rightist people, only people, sick people, people with pain.

Why should we divide people? Why give them a colour, stick a label on them? Why classify them as good or bad, as yellow and red, as leftist or rightist?

Accept people the way the are; there are no other people!

UNITAS, August/September 2001

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Anger

An attack of anger is like a disease. The alcoholic has this disease and we have ours. During our attack we lose our self-esteem, poise and actually hand over the control we should be exercising over the alcoholic.

We must be the one's to realise that our disease - anger is controllable. We are the stronger party and therefore should be able to give love and understanding, that is compassion and not anger.

This boils down to honesty within ourselves. When confronted by the alcoholic at his worst, we should stop - go to the bathroom, kitchen, garden - anywhere and take a deep breath and look at me. Forget the alcoholic and you for a moment. The alcoholic can't help himself - are we also powerless over our own emotions? It is really necessary to act this way? We are only making the situation worse. In a short space of time this will be over and it will be a new day. There is no way to justify our actions. The hurt is real, but it is self inflicted. Aren't we exaggerating what the alcoholic is saying and doing. Nobody else in the family appears to be affected as we are allowing ourselves to get into such a state.

It is difficult at the time to realise how the alcoholic is feeling. He's so full of beans with his "couldn't care less attitude" while we fume. Why wasn't he home on time or how could we go out to dinner with him in this state?

Stop, be honest with yourself, try to detach. Halt the building up of steam and ultimately the explosion. It is best to say nothing, without adopting the silent treatment. I find that a smile and a pleasant answer when spoken to, helps. I don't enter into conversation if possible but merely reply. Then my alcoholic gets bored and either feasts his un-focusing eyes on the TV or goes to bed.

Anger has been my greatest challenge. I still today have to exercise a rapid control and I don't always succeed either. PMT time comes along and control goes out the window, but I have learned so much through Al-Anon and when I look back at how I would react almost daily and how much I have progressed in a year I am amazed. I still have a long way to go but at least I have made a start and I am aware.

UNITAS, March/April 1992

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Analogy to Al-Anon

By Derrek, Fish Hoek

While preparing my breakfast the other morning this analogy to Al-Anon came to mind.

Part of my daily breakfast is half a grape fruit. Halve the fruit with the knife facing vertically down and a lot of the juice runs out and is lost - come to Al-Anon with the view that you will find how to stop the alcoholic drinking and one loses so much of the "juice" of the program. With a change of approach - cutting the fruit with the knife horizontal - that juice is saved - accepting that the program will help you to change - you can find serenity and peace amidst the turmoil of the situation in your life. And, in time, with changing your approach and attitude, as suggested by the program, it may help the alcoholic in your life to seek sobriety.

But you cannot just leave it at that or the juice will well up, run over, and be lost - one must continue to prepare the fruit - one must work at the program, even if, at first, only to listen and learn. Peel the fruit from the rind so that you can partake of it, enjoying its refreshment. As one works through the first few steps, reads and hopefully assimilates the slogans and traditions, you begin to realise and enjoy the refreshment and sweetness that the program can provide.

In preparing the fruit, some is left on the rind around the sides. This must be carefully scooped off so that one can enjoy all of it - keep coming back - it works, if you work at it!

Many have said "Grapefruit" It's so bitter. How can you eat that?. Granted it can be a bitter-sweet fruit but I find the refreshment and enjoyment it proves well worth that first fleeting bitter taste sensation.

The first steps in Al-Anon too can be a bitter pill to swallow. How many of us who want to control everyone or everything around us, has balked at "admit that we were powerless over", "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God"? Take those first steps. Let go and let God. The refreshment and nourishment that the program will bring you are well worth those first fleeting stumbling blocks. Especially as you learn to share with others and become one in spirit with the others in the program.

UNITAS, May/June 2000

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Applying the Twelve Steps

By Mo, Port Alfred

For a number of years I have been familiar with the Twelve Steps as I frequently accompanied my husband to AA meetings, which he attended from time to time, in between bouts of drinking.

I always thought it was a good program for the alcoholic, but never dreamed of applying these steps to my own life.

It was only years later when my life, as well as that of my alcoholic partner had become unmanageable and our lives were in shreds that I attended my first Al-Anon meeting.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I was as sick as the alcoholic and that my life had become unmanageable because of alcohol. Yes, I who had never touched alcohol or experienced the highs or lows or hangovers or blissful oblivion form all pain and anxieties of life, was as much in need of help as my alcoholic partner.

My first step was in admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable and only a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

I have taken an honest look at myself and found myself to be sadly wanting in many ways. I am trying to follow the Twelve Steps in applying them to my daily life.

I think I began to recover when I realised that I was not responsible for my partner's drinking and that I had a right to look attractive and to lead my own life.

Through Al-Anon I have discovered where I went wrong, and how, although I was not the cause of my partner's drinking problem, I was certainly an ENABLER. By always covering up for him, I had unwittingly enabled him to continue in his ways. Thanks to this program I now know better.

From now I will try to listen more attentively and be more understanding and show more compassion and patience. I wish to reach out to others and help them as I have been helped. I must give as I have receive, that I may grow.

To all my friends in Al-Anon - thank you all for words of encouragement and love. Without you and my God, I would not have been able to walk with purpose and pride as I now can do.

UNITAS, November/December 1997

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Changed Attitudes

By Anon, Benoni

When I first came to Al-Anon, my attitude was that I didn't have a problem, my alcoholic did, but I could no longer cope and needed help. In the introduction to our meetings we read that changed attitudes aid recover, not only for ourselves but for the alcoholics. This is something with which I can really identify, looking back, how much my attitudes have changed and what a difference that has made for my life.

Firstly, my attitude toward my alcoholic has changed. I am more able to accept that he is ill and that his abusive behaviour may well be beyond his control. As a result, I can feel compassion for him whereas before I could only feel anger and self-pity. Of course this is easier to feel at a distance because I am no longer allowed in my home! Nevertheless only by working on my attitude can I cope with that fact.

My attitude toward my children has also changed. I have learned to appreciate them for what they are - just children - and I can't expect them to be small adults and cope with the problems, which they have simply by being eaten alive, and also those created by alcoholism in the family. I can see that what annoyed me intensely before is simply because they are children and do not see things the same way I do. I am starting to learn to live and let live as far as they are concerned.

While I love my parents and my brother my attitude towards them has also changed. My parents have difficulty in accepting that marriage has to all intents and purposes ended, but I can accept that they are worried by it but don't feel that I have to justify why I am doing what I am doing. I simply try to live each day as it comes as best I can together with my Higher Power. My brothers, too, want to help but I can only accept their help on my terns and when it really helps me, not when it helps them to feel that they can control events.

Lastly, and most importantly, my attitude toward myself has changed. In the last year, I have come to terms with the divorce, a threatened suicide (my own) and separation from my alcoholic and children. I have learned that I can cope and that I still enjoy life and laughter. I have found real satisfaction in the job that I have, the friends that I have and my family. I can look at myself and be proud of what I am and those things I don't like about myself, I now have the courage to face and try to change them. Growth is never easy - we talk about growing pains - but it is exciting and that is what I have experienced since coming into Al-Anon. I salute you all as part of Al-Anon and thank you for what I have learned from you all. You are all very special.

UNITAS, March/April 1992

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A Right To Dignity

By Pat M., Ohio

When I first came into Al-Anon, I came to get my alcoholic son sober. He was in an alcohol rehabilitation centre. I was in so much pain for him that I was willing and eager to have anyone tell me what to do. I felt confused, guilt-ridden, ashamed and miserable, but I was doing what "angels sent from God" told me to do. Thank God, they told me to go to Al-Anon. I didn't hear them say I couldn't do anything for my son. If they said all I could do was help myself, I didn't hear that either. I don't know why I went to Al-Anon. I just went.

I thought everyone in my first Al-Anon meeting was nuts because they were smiling, laughing, hugging and talking. I figured it was the wrong meeting for me. This was serious! I tried another meeting and it was the same story. I tried yet another meeting - same story again. Those "angels" had told me to go, so I kept trying different meetings. It finally hit me that the people in the meetings were sharing their pain and their healing. I wanted some of what they had because I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted peace in my life. I wanted to feel it was okay for me to be alive.

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I was married to him for 16 years and never did get him sober. Both of my sons were alcoholics. I couldn't get them Sober either. I felt like a complete failure, but I kept going to meetings. I heard, "Keep Coming Back." I did and it helped. I didn't feel the pain quite as deeply as before. The guilt I had been feeling was beginning to make sense. I even realized I needn't feel ashamed because I wasn't the one responsible for keeping anyone sober or even happy. My situation reminded me of Step One - yes, I finally paid attention to what I was reading: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

My Mom had been ill since I was two years old. For as long as I could remember, I was responsible for the cleaning, cooking, laundry and anything else that had to be done around the house. When I was not quite 11 years old, I was responsible for taking care of my newborn sister. I learned responsibility, caretaking and enabling very early in life. But I didn't remember feeling loved. I didn't remember being listened to, much less being asked what I felt, needed or wanted. I didn't think anyone cared even a little bit about me. I remembered feeling an empty place inside that I could never fill. I used to accuse my parents of adopting me and not wanting to admit it.

With Step One, I began to believe I was once, am now, and always will be powerless over the disease of alcoholism. I did not cause it. I could not control it or its effects. My lectures and screaming did not help the alcoholic or me. They just hurt, confused and destroyed us. Through Step One, I learned I could change no one but myself. My attitude was the main thing to change. If I could keep a decent attitude, then I could do a better job of detaching - not enabling, care-taking, checking on and destroying. I could love the alcoholics in my life just as they were, even though they might slip.

On page 264 in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon it says, "They are not 'bad boys', who must be directed, disciplined or punished by us. They are sick, confused and guilt-ridden human beings with badly battered egos." A quotation at the bottom of the same page suggests the surest way to make a man a certain way is to think of him that way. The surest way for me to stay sane is to read page 264 because I believe it and feel it. I think God knew I needed to see those words in print to remember that alcoholics are human beings who deserve respect and love, too. They have a right to their own dignity. So do I. With Step One, I can continue believing in them and in myself.

This article may be reproduced in its entirety without alteration using the following credit line:
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
[http://www.al-anon.org/forum.html]

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Gifts of Recovery

Although I grew up much loved and cared for, I was very shy and felt alone most times. I did not like myself very much and had always felt different to others. A people pleaser, I often dreamt of being someone else, prettier and with lots of friends.

During my early years in Al-Anon the brick wall I had built up, over many years of feeling hurt and betrayed, was slowly being eroded by every hug I allowed myself to receive from caring members. My sponsor gave me much unconditional love, compassion and time, until I was able to believe that I was a good person in my own right and did not need to be someone else. Members showed me how the Al-Anon tools of recovery could help change my negative thinking and "screwed-up" attitudes.

In Al-Anon, I met people with similar feelings to mine and I slowly came to realize, through sharing and listening at meetings, that I wasn't as different as I had thought. I was encouraged to take little steps to regain the parts of me that I had lost, or never realized I had in the first place. I now respect myself and have the respect of others. There is always something about my attitude, or myself, to work on which keeps me busy.

Long ago I lost any perception I had, as a child, of a loving God and thought that I had been abandoned. I was so caught up with my own sorry lot in life, and dealing with the reality of living with active alcoholism, that I didn't have the energy to cope with anything but the present, whilst still mourning for lost yesterdays and fearing tomorrows. In Al-Anon I was give the gift of a Higher Power who is always available to me, I just had to learn to stand still long enough to ask, and then listen, for guidance.

In Al-Anon I learnt I had choices and that I could make decisions about my own life. One choice I have made, a day at a time, is to remain with my alcoholic husband who despite many years "around" AA, is still struggling with the drink and his own demons. I have been given many gifts that enable me to do this fairly successfully and at most times happily. By learning when to shut my mouth, to think of How Important Is It? before I speak or act and by continuing to work on detachment (all of which I find very hard) many potential arguments are avoided or talked through when both parties are calmer.

Although it began as a form of blackmail, I am grateful for my decision to put off starting a family during the ten years before coming to Al-Anon. The recovery I gained in my early years of Al-Anon, including a stint as an Alateen Sponsor, have given my daughters a good start in life. Although young, my eldest daughter now attends Alateen and both will, in time, receive their own gifts from these wonderful programs.

The Al-Anon tools and knowledge shared with me by loving members, I, in turn share with newcomers and longer-term members alike. I continue to spread the service message, letting individuals and Groups know about Al-Anon outside of their own Group and about the many benefits to be gained by becoming involved in various Al-Anon activities, Anniversaries, District, Area and Assembly meetings and travelling to meetings further afield. Through service I have met countless members, made many friends, lost most of my shyness and gained much self-confidence along the way.

I remember the first Anniversary weekend I ever attended with my partner. We kept to ourselves, but found it all too much and fled to the safety of our caravan to play cards between the meetings. Now I attend every Anniversary I'm able to, participate to the fullest, chair when asked and support other who may feel ill at ease.

I have carved a life for myself, studying art at TAFE and doing the things that make me happy. By continuing to use the Al-Anon tools, utilizing the available literature, giving and receiving love and hugs and attending many meetings, I have received the greatest gift of all, myself.

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I Asked My Husband's Doctor

By Nancy S., Illinois

My spouse was in the hospital after falling down the stairs. His blood-alcohol level was .262 when he arrived at the emergency room. I visited him every day but was never there when the doctor made his rounds.

About four days after my husband was admitted, I called the doctor's office and asked that he return my call. I had two things I wanted to discuss with him. First my husband was in a great deal of pain, the source of which had not been diagnosed. I asked, "What is the plan of action?" The answer to that was not forthcoming. Magnetic Resonance Imaging showed my husband had three small strokes at some point, but that was not the reason for his current disability. The doctor said further tests would need to be done.

My second question was, "What are we going to do about my husband's alcoholism?" Wow! Did I get a fast response to that question! The doctor all but shouted over the phone: "We aren't going to do anything! You have to go to Al-Anon!"

I am sure there was a period of silence on my end of the phone. Me 'Go to Al-Anon' My first thought was, "Why me? I don't drink. I don't have a problem."

After I caught my breath and came to my senses, I guess I thanked the doctor for his time and hung up. I then began to search the phone book for an Al-Anon number to call. Perhaps I called an AA number. I don't really remember. I was referred to a very thoughtful, kind person who told me there would be an Al-Anon meeting at the hospital near my home on Wednesday at seven o'clock.

I went to my first meeting the next week. Needless to say, I received a warm welcome to Al-Anon and heard, "Keep Coming Back." I have continued to go back and am so grateful to the doctor who told me I had to go and to the members who welcomed me. I have been in Al-Anon for three and a half years and will probably attend meetings for the rest of my life. I soon realized because I had lived in an alcoholic situation all of my life, I did indeed have a few problems! I was a very sick person.

In Al-Anon, I have found peace of mind and serenity I never guessed possible. My husband still drinks but I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. All I can do is take care of myself by practicing Al-Anon's Twelve Steps, Traditions, attending Al-Anon meetings, and reading the literature.

My change of attitude has made a big difference in how my husband and I get along. It has also made a difference in how I get along with other people. I no longer react to situations that are beyond my control. I listen and comment only when someone asks for my opinion. My husband and I discuss matters calmly and openly. I have choices and so does my husband. His choices are not my business.

On my Third Anniversary in Al-Anon, I wrote a letter to the doctor who told me about Al-Anon. I thanked him and told him he and Al-Anon had saved my life, both spiritually and physically. I will always be grateful to that doctor and to the people who welcomed me so warmly.

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I Felt Transformed

By Barbara E., Arizona

Before joining an Al-Anon group and working with a sponsor, I prayed something like this: "Dear God, when will he stop" Or I said, "Okay, God, here's the deal. If you help us get through tonight's party without an incident, I promise I won't bother you again for a long time."

Today I realize these weren't prayers. I was simply pleading, bargaining, and promising - the same way I communicated with everyone. I certainly wasn't trying to improve my conscious contact with, or develop a deeper understanding of, my Higher Power.

When I began practicing Step Eleven, my lack of knowledge and experience with prayer and meditation became obvious. My sponsor suggested that I become willing to let go of old ideas and open myself to new ones. In this way I began to discover what Step Eleven really means.

I wasn't too sure what was supposed to happen during meditation. It took some experimenting to find the style of meditation that felt comfortable to me. For quite a while it didn't feel like anything was happening. I didn't notice any special sights or sounds, and I still don't know when the changes began to occur.

The more I prayed and meditated on a regular basis, the more often a feeling of calm, peace, and stillness came over me as I went about my day. Eventually I came to realize that a wonderful process was taking place in my mind. I felt transformed. It was as though I was looking at my life from a whole new perspective. This new point of view contained a noticeable amount of grace and tolerance.

As my recovery in Al-Anon continues to progress, it is important for me to integrate prayer and meditation with personal honesty. By doing so, I have been able to use my daily program to seek God's will for me and the power to carry it out.

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I Just Let Him Be

By Terri W, Nova Scotia

Before I came to Al-Anon, I ranted and raved when my husband was drinking. After he sobered up I would try to reason with him, explaining how he was hurting our marriage. I told him once that our relationship was like a piece of Swiss cheese and every time he got drunk he put another hole in it. I warned him that eventually there would be nothing left. I thought if he stopped drinking everything would be better.

This ranting, reasoning, threatening, and pleading did nothing to stop him from drinking. He'd say he knew he had to stop or he knew he had a problem, that he'd try to slow down. And he would for a day or two, or even for a week if I was lucky. But I think he was saying what he knew I wanted to hear.

I felt so much rage, hurt, and hate because I couldn't control him. Since talking to him wasn't helping, I started to ignore him when he drank. I stayed away from him. I went to bed instead of waiting up, and when he did come in I didn't get up to yell and slam doors. I just let him be. This made me fee a little better, but I knew I still needed help because I was not happy.

I decided to borrow a number of Al-Anon books from the library. I knew after the first few paragraphs that al-Anon was where I needed to be, so I went to a meeting. One of the first things I needed to get from the program was detachment. It sounded like heaven, so I prayed over and over for detachment.

Just before the holidays I though I finally had it. I was no longer ranting and trying to reason. I stopped ignoring him. I truly wasn't angry anymore. I felt sorry for him, and I spoke to him during the mornings after he'd been drinking. I finally accepted that he was sick and only he could change himself, if he wanted to I no longer felt responsible for him. Even though I had some serous work to do on myself, I felt wonderful. Thank God, I had detachment mastered. Now I could work on something else.

I continued to feel very good until a few days after our holiday. Somewhere during that one week, I lost it. I turned back into the person I had been. I was yelling, slamming doors, and finally ignoring the problem, hoping he would go away. I started thinking one of us was going to have to leave - dead or alive.

Instead of leaving or committing murder, I kept going to meetings. I learned that detachment isn't like something I order, wait for, and then keep when it arrives. It is something I have to work on every minute of every day, one day at a time. I don't have it down pat, yet, and it's easier some days than others, but I think I'm getting it. I asked my husband if he noticed a difference in me during the past few months. He said, "You're not as crabby."

I think that's a long way from where I started. I hope eventually, with help from my Higher Power, detachment will become a natural response in situations where I used to try to control or change someone else.

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I Learned to Love the Alcoholic

By Ted F., New Jersey

Six and a half years ago I realized when my spouse was under the influence of alcohol, I could not control her or communicate with her. Because of that, I came into the program. For this gift I am forever grateful to her, because I have received many miracles from Al-Anon and the program has helped me become a better person.

One of my most amazing changes is I learned to love the alcoholic even though she still drinks. I came to understand that she is a human being with many fine qualities - and she is not just an alcoholic.

For instance, she is an extremely caring mother, exceptionally honest, and an excellent employee. It is tempting to add, "when she's not drinking" after each one of her assets, but the point is, these qualities should be allowed to stand alone. I also have the same character traits - when I'm not raging or trying to control everything around me. So, who am I to judge her?

Thanks to the program, I realize that but for the grace of my Higher Power, I could have the disease of alcoholism. I want people to appreciate me for my good qualities and have compassion for me, rather than judging me solely by my bad qualities.

The least I can do is extend the same courtesy to the alcoholic. One way I practice this is by not referring to her as "my alcoholic." Even though we are divorced now, I have discovered that I care for her and respect her on many levels. To my shock and amazement, she really is a human being.

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I Learned to Question

By Holly K., Kentucky

We often share in meetings that the program has helped us see life is not black and white, but shades of grey. As we grow, life can even be in colour. The program helped me not only see in colour, but now I can see a different view altogether.

In a meeting a friend asked me to read the page on maturity from Blueprint for Progress, Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory (P-5). With that little surge of self-esteem that comes from being asked, I agreed. As we opened the meeting it dawned on me that I didn't know if he had asked me to read about maturity because I had it, or because I needed to hear it. A whole new worldview became available to me.

Maybe people honked at my car because I had a program bumper sticker, not because I was driving badly. Maybe people did things my way, not because it was the best way, but because it was the path of least resistance. In one very small moment I learned to question my assumptions and interpretations of the world around me.

I know a lot less than I did when I came to these rooms for the first time. I am a good deal less certain of other people's feelings and motivations. What I know for certain has been reduced to a few cherished realities. I know who I am, I know I have a Higher Power, and I know the Al-Anon program works. All else can change at a moment's notice, and I am enriched by that reduction of knowledge.

I never asked my friend why he asked me to read the section on maturity. As he has since passed away, I will never know, and I am content with that. My world can now contain uncertainty, mystery, and even contentment. Not only is life in colour, it is a whole new picture.

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Keep Coming Back

By Terry, Port Elizabeth

Are there days when you feel you have not got the energy to drag yourself off to another meeting? Days when you feel the pain and discomfort of not being on the program? Yes, I have them too.

This morning as I stood in the bathroom getting ready for work and opened the cabinet door I saw a large bottle of medicine with the inevitable caption: SHAKE WELL BEFORE USE. As the bottle had just sat there for a considerable period of time, the contents had undergone a change with the liquid at the top and the sediment having settled on the bottom, all think and sluggish.

And it occurred to me that this is how my life goes. There are times when I get into a rut, become complacent, even begin to stagnate, moments when I change, decide to go my own way and are consequently separated from my Higher Power. It is so much easier to follow the familiar pattern, the set routine, slip back into old habits, than risk something new, or perhaps try something old in a new way, to visit a different group or perhaps accept a new challenge in my old one.

Sometimes I too need a jolt, I need to pick myself up, SHAKE WELL AND USE... it works!

UNITAS, August 1994

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The world outside - learning to love

By Lientjie, Pretoria

Writing about my life and bearing my soul as a manner of speaking, is not an easy task. It just shows you what Al-Anon can do for you.

Seven years ago you would not have found me writing an article and talking about my problems.

I was alone in my little old safe cocoon and all the people out there were "the others". The enemy. Or so I wrongly thought, until I came to Al-Anon and then Al-Anon gave me "others" to work with!

What a tall order. Al-Anon is not a program to stop others from drinking it is a way of living happily. It is a program for yourself.

Working with "others". In my terms, were "those people" out there. At one time in my life "others" meant everyone and everything. Except children and animals that did not hurt me. Only people did.

I come from a dysfunctional alcoholic home and at that time "others" in my childhood years were my parents and grandparents. I was afraid of authority figures, a typical characteristic of an AACA child. I did not trust "them" or any other grownup. I was afraid to trust.

The alcoholics in my life are wonderful people - when they are sober. I had to learn to make amends with "my others".

In my case they were my parents, grandparents and my husband in my first marriage who now had become my 'skeletons' and who often haunt me on a daily basis. I try to keep them within the confines of my mind and sometimes in my heart and I am finding it hard to forgive them at times.

One slogan stood out: "Let it begin with me". I slowly grew to understand that "others" also had problems. So much more than mine. "Others" also hurt, bled and felt unwanted. "Others" also felt shame, hatred, anger, and unloved, etc.

Al-Anon taught me to let go of the 'pity-potty' slump I let myself wallow in. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop making movies in my head as my Sponsor always said.

Most of those things I feared, never happened.

One day at work I received this saying in an eMail that opened my mind even further:

There is a time in life when you stop existing and you start living.
There is a time in life when you are given a new chance and new dreams.
There is a time in life when the old is to be forgotten and the new embraced.
There is a time in life And the time is NOW!

The person I hurt most in my life was myself. When I think back of the alcoholics in my life I recall what an Al-Anon member always told me with a smile: "God grant me the serenity, to accept the 'alcoholic' I cannot change". A wise person once said: "Hate the sin, but love the sinner." I had to learn to detach from the problem but not from the alcoholic.

I do not fear people any more but I am still fighting my "dragons" of yesterday. I had to learn to live and forgive this little child in me who was so hurt and lost for many a year.

Al-Anon gave me back my God. As a child I perceived God as a God of Fire and Brimstone. The fear of God was installed in me. Slowly working with my fellow Al-Anon members and reading Al-Anon literature, I found out that God was a God of Love. My husband (recovering alcoholic) always says: "I thought God had turned his back on me, but I was only looking the other way." To me God is always there. He is in the small things around me. I always used to look for Him in the big things. Now I know God also works through people and incidents happening in my life.

I am happy and serene and now can love, accept, respect and forgive and understands working with the "others" - some who became my friends and loved ones.

UNITAS, February/March 2002

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Who am I?

By Irma, AACA Pretoria

My father is an alcoholic which I denied during my high school days.

I married my husband because I love him to bits and can't go without him. We are three years married and we have now come to a point that we are learning to understand each other.

It is here that we are learning to communicate our deep emotional feelings - we were never able to do that.
I have learned to accept myself the way I am, but I have realised I can work at the ugly in me.
By identifying with another person's problems helped me a lot even from another sex, e.g. I realised that anger is not because I am doomed that I become so angry, it is because of my circumstances - I must just learn to cope. I have also realised that by identifying I feel relieved.
I have learned to analyse my feelings while I am experiencing the feeling - I must think what is going on inside of me. I must ask myself - why am I so cross, depressed, etc.
I have realised I must do something about my situation, it's not going to come right by itself. By consciously working at your faults it will help - later it will become part of your sub-conscious - that means it will become a way of life.
I have learned not to be so sensitive - rather live and let live, think - change a negative thought into a positive one, e.g. if somebody does something that you feel affected by, don't think that he wanted to harm you, rather think he didn't know better.
I have learned to take one day at a time - and I have realised you are not just going to grow and heal, you are also going to fall back a few steps - and that is fine.
I have realised with the help of God and AACA we can break the chain of alcoholism in our families by learning what is normal and by doing it. Change your childhood paths because they lead you to the wrong destiny.

Important things are:

Be aware of your feelings.
Learn not to be an icepack and distance people from you.
Talk to your spouse.
Teach yourself to relax.
Fake it until you make it.
Look for a role model to see what is a normal lifestyle.
Don't intellectualise too much.

Healing is year and years of constant work at the problem. It is not going to go away in a day's time, and when it's gone it might come back again, so keep on working at it.

UNITAS, August/September 1988

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You can't come and play

By Riekie

We were five children, living with our mom and dad in a small, suburban house in the southern part of Johannesburg. When I think back to those lonely, frightening and forgotten years, I still feel the same as I did then. Dad had a severe drinking problem and eventually Mom started drinking too.

We had many friends in the street, and it was acceptable for all of us to play in the quiet cul-de-sac street, but never at our house. I can hardly remember any of my siblings who brought a friend from school home. "You can't come and play at our house." This was tacitly understood. When asked by a friend whether he or she could come for a "sleep-over", we had to make excuses. We never went to friends for a "sleep-over" either, because we had to think of the young ones who needed us - our help, our care and our love. We knew there was a problem, but it didn't have a name. Everyone, even the adults, knew 'there was a problem at No 5 Cul-de-sac Street'.

Yet, we were fortunate that Dad kept his work, through the grace of God, until he died. Our parents loved us. We had a home, food, clothes, a steady school and love for each other, which sustained us during those years. Mom was an excellent cook and a loving, caring mother. I realise now that she tried desperately to keep our family together. She tried to help us to survive. It must have been terrible, lonely, frightening years for her too. I remember the ceilings of my childhood house. Beautiful patterns and carved images, which looked to me like angels. I prayed that the angels would keep all of us safe. During the bad times, in order not to hear the constant fighting in my parent's room, I would count each different pattern, add or subtract the pattern. (As an adult, I still revert to this comforting behaviour of counting, especially when I feel frightened or insecure.) I even had a 'toe sheet', which is the top flat sheet on the bed. I used to pull the sheet, slowly, repeatedly though my toes, until I fell asleep. This kept me from hearing or feeling anything else. This little action comforted me until I fell asleep.

One night when I was about six years old, Dad returned from a drinking spree, falling drunk. I prayed like never before in my life. "Gentle Jesus, meek and mild; This is me, your little child. Please, Please, don't let him come into our room." As an adult now, I know that we were fortunate that Dad never touched us when he was drunk. He never abused us physically or sexually either. Yet, the times that he used Mom as a punching bag - those were the bad times.

This specific night, I lay on my bed, eyes tightly shut, body in a fatal position, my heart hammering against my ribs, my lips praying. And then, I think I 'went away inside my head', because I felt a quiet hand on my shoulder. As I was facing the wall, I turned over and saw a dark figure standing next to me. No, it wasn't Dad. It was a quiet, serene person, just the dark outline that I could see. A quiet calmness fell over me, my heart quieting to a steady, soft rhythm. The soft light from the bathroom shone through the open door. I could see the person had screws in both hands, and also on his forehead. (Definitely screws not nails.) No words were exchanged, none were necessary.

I felt love, understanding, serenity and compassion flowing from this Person to me. Then I knew everything was going to be okay. We were all going to be okay. We will survive. God had sent one of His angels to look after us or perhaps He was there Himself.

To this day, as an adult child of an alcoholic, I still remember my feelings that night. It still comforts me in times of stress or when I am frightened or lonely.

You see, dear reader - I understand your fears, your hopes, and your loneliness, your pain and insecurity. I know how you feel at this moment - and during the bad times. Please realise there is help to be found. There are people who can help you cope. You can join an Al-Anon, AACA or Alateen group and make friends with people who understand, because they know - they have been there. Please don't hesitate to seek help. Don't try and cope by yourself. And know that God will be with you every step of the way.

Today I am a married woman with a husband who has a drinking problem. I joined Al-Anon to help me cope. My problems as a child of an alcoholic and my present problems forced me to seek help. It is never too late.

Al-Anon has helped me, in a very short time, to define the problem. It is not my problem anymore. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. By following the Twelve Step program, I am now beginning to understand my husband's behaviour - to understand my Dad's behaviour and attitude and lifestyle so that I don't have to say to friends or family, 'you can't come and visit'.

UNITAS, May/June 2001

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Alateen changed my whole life

I have been living in a home where my father abused alcohol for many years. These were the most traumatic years of my life. My poor mother and siblings all experienced verbal, physical, emotional and economical abuse from my father. I did not have any friends because I was too embarrassed that they would see my alcoholic father. He used to pick on me and degrade me. I was always too stupid, too ugly or just plain good for nothing. I eventually believed that. My hatred became so intense for him that I wished him dead. I was miserable all the time and I felt sorry for myself.

My mother begged and cried that he should stop his drinking and he in turn would make promises that he would stop, but he never kept his promises. My father kept us awake at night and we had very few hours of sleep. My schoolwork suffered in the process because of lack of sleep. The situation at home became unbearable for everyone. At the young and tender age I became the family protector, the handyman and my mother's confidant.

In 1993 my father eventually sobered up in AA, my mother started attending Al-Anon and I was recommended to Alateen. In Alateen I met up with a number of teenagers who have one or both parents with drinking problems. Some of their parents stopped drinking, others had parents who were still drinking. I thought I was the only person going through the motions with an alcoholic parent.

I attended my Alateen meetings very regularly because now I had to learn to cope with a sober father. Others with active alcoholism in the home, learnt how to cope and understand the disease of alcoholism. When I discovered and accepted that alcoholism was a disease many things became crystal clear for me. I learnt in Alateen that it was not the person that I hated, but the things he was saying and doing. I attended Alateen for five years until I went to University. Today I am glad that I attended Alateen and found it very helpful to share my problems with other teenagers who understood and did not criticize, gossip or make fun of me.

Alateen changed my whole life. Today I have the confidence to invite my friends to my home and my father even enjoys their company. Alateen gave me new self-confidence and I do not have to go with the flow. I can say "no" and mean it and feel a lot better because I'm my own person. Someone in Alateen once said 'I am important because God does not make any junk'. I am not conceited today, but I put myself first and I am good to myself. Today it is with compassion that I look at a person who has a drinking problem, because I know that they cannot be held accountable for it.

UNITAS, February/March 2001

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Love / Hate relationship

By Dominique, Bluff/Umbilo

When I was young my dad's drinking didn't really affect me because I was too young to understand. Only after my mom told me my dad had a drinking problem and after my dad's drinking got even worse did it start affecting me. My dad's drinking didn't really affect my schoolwork. When my dad came home and started fighting and shouting I would get uptight and hate him but when he was sober I loved him. In Alateen, I learnt that it wasn't the alcoholic I hated, it was the drink that I resented.

When I first came to Alateen, like many others I had the wrong attitude, I thought, 'Oh gee this is going to be fun. Now I would find out how to stop my dad from drinking'. But I soon found out in Alateen that I didn't go there to stop my dad from drinking but to help myself. When I got well into the program I just let myself grow. I didn't get into it straight away but my Alateen friends helped me, just by listening to them talk satisfied me. The slogans and serenity prayer have helped me a lot. 'To accept the things I cannot change' I have to accept that I can't change my dad.

'Courage to change the things I can'. I must have courage to change myself. I can only try. Out of the slogans the one that has helped me the most is 'Let Go and Let God'. Alateen has helped in the way that I must trust in my Higher Power to take care of things instead of my worrying all the time. I've found in my Higher Power not only a Higher Power but a friend. I believe in Him to help me in the program and He believes in me.

Coming to Alateen and sharing with my special friends and working the program has taken away all those horrible feelings of resentment and anger that I had before. It has also helped me to open up at meetings. Now I'm a new person. Others may not feel it but I do.

The program has done most of the work. But I must also thank my mom for her love and caring during this time and all the time. Once again thank you, my Alateen friends.

UNITAS, May/June 1989

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My Life before Alateen

By Diane, Umbilo

I'd just like to tell you about what my life was like before I came to Alateen. Before I came into Alateen I was terribly afraid of my dad even though I knew he would never lift his hand to me. I suppose I was scared because being the youngest of three children, I always heard and saw the arguments and fighting in our home.

Every weekend was the same story. On Fridays I would sit at the bus stop and tell my friends that I did not want to go home, but of course I would have to. Sometimes my dad would stop off at the pub or just buy a bottle. This was three quarters finished on the Friday night. When my brothers went out the fighting would begin. They would carry on until the early hours of the morning. On Saturday my father would referee soccer and after the game my mom and I would be left in the car while my dad had one beer. But that one beer seemed to take so long to drink. Anyway when we eventually got home my brothers would be ready to go out and soon afterwards the arguing would begin. I never had anyone to comfort me while the fighting was going on.

When my dad hit rock bottom I remember him and my mom coming to fetch me from dancing and I didn't want to go home with them because I was used to my dad saying that he is now going to stop drinking. I was very surprised to see my dad go to a AA meeting that night.

Since my dad has joined AA the family has a happier atmosphere at home and I actually look forward to going home on Fridays. I even have my friends staying over whereas before I dare not even suggest this to them as I was afraid they would hear all the carryings on in our home.

I was introduced to Alateen when my mom joined Al-Anon and she found it helped her tremendously. I have now been in Alateen for two and a half years. Alateen has changed me inside and outside and I have shared special feelings and problems with my Alateen friends which I would not share with anyone else.

There are still the occasional arguments, but I know that I have nothing to worry about, in fact I actually laugh about them.

Before my dad came into AA he missed out on us growing up and we were not very close but now that he has joined AA we are slowly but surely becoming a family again.

Without the Alateen program I would not be the person I am today. Today I am self-confident, unafraid, understanding, caring and most importantly to me, happy.

The program has shown me how to like myself and the people around me and to love living.

I have learned that I have a choice to make in my life. I can be happy or unhappy. I have chosen to be happy thanks to Alateen.

UNITAS, May/June 1991

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No room for negative feelings

By Denise, Palmview

Before Alateen I felt like a sinking ship in a violent storm with no way out.

I was a self-centred child who expected everything to be done my way and I resented people who were happy.

I was very reluctant to attend my first Alateen meeting and when I eventually walked into the doors of Alateen, I picked out every fault I could think of.

I then realised that I needed to shut up and listen for once in my life.

It was when I did this that I began to look at my character defects and let others deal with theirs.

My Alateen meetings helped me accept everything and every one around me.

Now I know that just like a poor wallet has to accommodate change, I have to do that too.

Alateen is a new way of life for me and with the help of my Higher Power, I can make it better every day.

My life is not a bed of roses, but there is no room for negative feelings.

In Alateen there are no 'teachers' and nobody is above another - we are all equals with the same goal to better our lives.

UNITAS, August/September 2001

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Peace and Joy

Have you ever seen the moon lying amongst dark clouds and occasionally it disappears behind the clouds. Well, this is what I thought of my life. My hopes and dreams just seemed to be disappearing and then on one day the moon came out shining brightly, so brightly that it lit up my way of life. This is just what Alateen has done for me.

My parents were constantly quarrelling and I was so scared of everything. I'd just lock myself up in my room and cry - but inside I was screaming. I hated those times. I was young and those memories burn inside me. Dad's drinking caused an embarrassment, humiliation and sadness but then we found the fellowship and everything changed.

Before I started coming to Alateen I was a total wreck. My life was surrounded by an alcoholic father and a nagging mother. I was full of resentment, self-pity and frustration. Our lives at home were totally disorientated and definitely unmanageable. Before coming to Alateen I had a hard time controlling my temper. But now the program shows me how to reverse the situation. When I take it easy and keep my temper under control, I learn more about myself and my relationships with other people are a lot better. Alateen is growing in a serene surrounding with a changed attitude. Our attitudes are most important in judging the kind of people we are. I was disobedient and didn't even show consideration for others. Alateen has brought about a change in me. The real me. I have discovered that I am a worthwhile person filled with good things and that it is up to me to stay that way. I can be someone warm and terrific. Alateen has influenced me in that sense. I was guilty of bringing the past into the present. Yesterday seemed always to bother me today. It's occurrences and memories. I couldn't stop worrying but in Alateen I was able to get the burden off my shoulders and relax and enjoy today the most important day of my life. I have to make the most of it. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves are the friends we make through sharing, caring and understanding.

Alcoholism is a family problem and therefore I am grateful that I have a spiritual program to help me recover.

Now that I am in Alateen I have become a clear thinker and more open minded with the help of the Twelve Steps, Traditions and Slogans. Alateen is the light at the end of the tunnel. It has shown me the best times of life.

Alateen has shown me to sow seeds of love where only hatred could grow. It has turned my tears of sorrow and bitterness into pearls. I can thank God for giving me a wonderful new way of looking at the world and its beauty and I am able to appreciate what I see. Alateen has helped me to conquer wars and make friends.

Alateen has given peace and joy and most importantly a loving family - one that I can treasure and cherish.

UNITAS, May/June 1991

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Sharing Experience, Strength and Hope in Alateen

By Kevin, Tongaat

I would like to tell you what Alateen is about. Alateen is a fellowship of young men and women whose lives have been affected by alcoholism within a friendship or family. We help each other by sharing our experience, strength and hope.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. As long as alcoholics drink, their desire to drink will get stronger. Although we cannot change our parents, we can detach from their problem while still loving them. When our parents drink, their mental attitudes change and they do stupid and silly things, which also affects us.

Alcohol robs us of many things. It takes away love, attention and brings disgrace, hurt and despair. When my father drank it was scary. He never physically hurt us, but emotionally, he could have killed us.

Certain nights while he drank, we were too scared to stay home, so we used to run away to our friends home. Home was never home, it was a place where we ate and slept. Many a time my father lost his job and we had to move from place to place. He even lost a piece of land through his drinking.

Material things do not matter. Love, peace and serenity are the most important things. We can overcome most problems by prayer. In Alateen we are often reminded that what we pray for, may not be what is best for us. I will not explain my problems to God for He already knows. He will do what is best for me.

When I am faced with something beyond my power to perform, decide, or to cope with, I will not struggle on my own. I ask for His help and guidance.

One of the most important things for me is the Serenity Prayer. We cannot change other people, only ourselves. To think is also important because without thought, our actions could result in anguish.

I would like to thank my mother for playing a double role when my father was inactive. Also my uncles and aunts who provided comfort and peace, and for all they have done whilst my father was suffering.

I thank God for His guidance and my mother and father for the path of happiness.

UNITAS, May/June 1992

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From Helpless to Hopeful

By Debbie H., Illinois

The Al-Anon/Alateen hotline phone rang at 1:30 AM. I answered, "Good morning, Al-Anon and Alateen." A tiny little voice said, "Lady, I think I am going to die." I asked, "What is the problem?" The tiny little voice said, "My mom and dad are passed out and drunk in the other room. I can't stand it anymore." She told me she was 12. "How did you know to call this number?" She replied, "I saw you on TV." She had seen a public service announcement. She continued, "And when I called that number they gave me your number." Then she began to cry.

I felt helpless. I could not take her for ice cream or to a meeting because of her age. I could not contact her parents, school, or church because of anonymity. My heart hurt! I took a deep breath and silently asked for God's help.

I gave her several crisis numbers and suggested she tell her grandmother or an adult friend. I told her to keep the number she used to reach me because somebody answers it 24 hours a day. She said, "Thanks, lady, I will tell someone." She hung up.

I wanted to do more! I felt so limited because of her age. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. I knew it was time to "Let Go and Let God." I was better able to process my feelings after talking about it with my sponsor and with local and area Alateen sponsors.

I honestly believe I heard the "tiny little voice" at an Alateen function about six months later. Hopefully, I will confirm this belief someday.

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My Life Completely Turned Around

By Jennifer S., California

When I was young, my mother was so into her drinking and drugging that sometimes I thought she forgot all about me. I had an overwhelming feeling of pity and all I wanted to do was take care of her.

School was horrible. I felt guilty leaving the house to go to school. I was always scared that she wouldn't be there to pick me up because she was dead. I would actually make myself sick to my stomach out of nervousness, so I'd have to go home! I checked on her when she was sleeping to make sure she was still breathing. It was the worst time of my life and I wanted to die.

My life was spinning out of control because whatever I did, I couldn't make her get better. I was 12 when I first attempted suicide. I wanted the pain to go away. One of my teachers was worried about me and told my school counsellor. I went to counselling and ended up in Alateen.

I kept going to the meetings, but I didn't "get it" for a long time. I almost flunked out of school. I stopped eating. Then I began to really hear what Alateen had to offer and my life completely turned around. My grades improved and I made friends. Basically, I began to love and respect myself.

Life isn't always easy, but I can deal with it now and be happy. I love life because I learned how to detach in Alateen. Because of that, I have a great relationship with my mother. I love her so much, and I know I don't have to blame her. She loves me and she did the best she could. I think she did great! I just have to remember that alcoholism is a family disease and I was just as much a part of the disease as she was. Even though we were both very sick, we didn't stop loving each other and we did the best we could.

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And Then There Was Alateen

by Michelle, Mississippi

Before I knew of Alateen
My life was the epitome of darkness
So I locked myself away
Into my shaded fortress

The fear and loathing in my heart
Was more than I could bear
And then the hand of Alateen
Showed me that some people care

Before then, I hated the world
And my attitude was very cold
But now my life is different
Because of the stories you have told

You have changed my life
With the kindness in your hearts
You see the program really works
If we all learn to do our parts

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A Hopeful New Start

By Wendy P., Illinois

The first amends I chose to make was to my father who passed away. My sponsor suggested I write him a letter. After praying about it, I began to write and the words and the tears just poured out.

I wrote how much I regretted blaming him for all my problems. I admitted that I'd had no right to call him an alcoholic because that was a diagnosis only he could have made. I told him I couldn't do anything to change the kind of daughter I was when he was alive, but if he were here today I would be the best daughter I knew how to be. I told him I would cook him dinner and laugh at all his jokes and take him to watch his favourite team play a game. I was blessed to feel a great release after finishing the letter and I was very grateful for the experience.

The very next day, I was delighted to win two tickets to see my father's favourites team. I was already wondering whom to invite before it occurred to me to thank my Higher Power for the unexpected gift. I closed my eyes and said, "Thank you, God". Immediately, I remembered my letter to my dad. The coincidence was not lost. I smiled and knew that I had been forgiven. There were tears in my eyes when I said, "Thanks, Dad." Since I couldn't take my dad to the game, I decided to do the next best thing to invite one of my three older brothers. Logic said I should invite my eldest brother, but he and I had a falling out and hadn't communicated for years. The next older brother lived too far away, so I called brother number three. To my surprise he said, "You've got the right idea, but the wrong brother." He suggested that I try to mend fences by inviting our eldest brother.

Again, the coincidence was not lost on me. I talked it over with my sponsor, prayed about it and finally decided to send my brother a ticket the game with a letter of amends. In the letter I said, "I will be at the game. Here is your ticket. If you don't come, I will understand but I would like it if you would come."

Turning it over was a challenge, but I was truly willing and I knew that I had done my part. Game day arrived on Saturday with no word from my brother, but I reminded myself that I was doing this for me. I bundled up and went to game by myself, despite the 35 degree temperature.

It was a beautiful day in spite of cold. I was disappointed, of course as the innings went by and I continued to sit alone. Yet, I refused to allow my brother's absence to ruin day for me. I pretended that I was there with my dad, just as I had promised him in my letter of amends. I thought about all the games Dad had taken me to in my life. I smelled the same smells and heard the same sounds, sitting in the ballpark that my dad had loved so much. I only made it through half of the game because it was pretty cold, but I had done my part. I was free.

I believed my brother had simply chosen not to respond to my letter. I prayed the Serenity Prayer on the train ride home and reminded myself that I didn't have like what I had accept. I was reminded by my loving Al-Anon family that there was a greater plan than I could see and that I had done my part. It was all I could do. It was time to Let Go and Let God.

When I got home from work on Monday afternoon, I covered a Saturday delivery, overnight package waiting for me in entryway. It must have been there since Saturday, but since the regular mail had come before I left for game, I hadn't bothered to look any more. Inside the package was the other game ticket and a kind note of thanks from my brother. This man who for nearly three years refused to be in the same room with me, had not only written me back but had gone out of his way to send a special delivery package so that I would have ticket in time to invite someone else. I don't know today what will happen with my brother, but it's a hopeful new start and for that, Dad and Al-Anon I am truly grateful.

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In Gratitude

Dee S., Texas

As a young child my mother, who is not the alcoholic in my life, had an affair. When my father found out he tried to kill himself. As the ambulance pulled up and put him into the back, my brother and I stood by and watched. The whole time my mother never tried to shield our eyes from the sight. While my father was in the hospital recovering, my mother told my brother and me he did not want to see us and he did not love us.

Finally my father returned home. Things were okay for a while. Then mom decided to leave with the other man. She also decided to take my brother and me along. She did this while my dad was passed out. It took my father several months to find us. We returned with him and he did get full custody of us. For seven years we did not hear from our mother.

Suddenly she decided to come back and my father allowed it. I fought, kicked, screamed and hated her for a long time. She was with us a little over five years before deciding to leave again. She left with another man who she later married.

My father found sobriety and told me there was a program for me, Al-Anon. When I walked into the meeting, the people were much older than me but they had something I wanted. Eventually I was able to forgive my mom. The program also gave me the courage not to forget. Today I am so thankful for those older people. They watched me scream, hate and eventually love. They loved my until I could love myself and them in return. Today I have a great relationship with my parents, both my mother and father. Thank you Al-Anon.

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A Spiritual Moment

By Bobbie, Stellenbosch

My husband came out of the clinic on Christmas Eve. He had been encouraged to attempt to attend 90 AA meetings in 90 days. I decided to join him in these meetings, or else run the risk of being left out of his recovery.

It was at these meeting that I started to learn the Al-Anon ways. One of the most important 'ways' was that of admitting to the existence of a Higher Power and of handing over the care of my life to Him.

I like this concept - Higher Power, as I understood Him. I had long before lost any contact with a power higher than myself and considered myself to be at least and Agnostic, if not a full-blown Atheist.

However, back at the Al-Anon meetings I am hearing that I need to find a Higher Power to help me. I could do this! But 'I needed proof of His existence' a sign at least.

At that time we were living on a farm and running a kennelling business. It was the highest season in the business - Christmas holidays. The kennels and cattery were full to overflowing.

One morning just after Christmas it was discovered that there had been a break from the cattery. One of the most dissatisfied guests in the cattery had carefully chewed away at the wire netting over one of the windows and had affected an escape route! He and four other willing felines used this route to escape the confines of the cattery in order to explore the farmlands.

Within minutes we had rounded up four of them. One was hiding in the storeroom. One in the laundry. One in the roof of the byre and the last in a drain near the Guesthouse. But number five was not to be found.

Days went by. Search parties went out each afternoon. Search parties started out at first light each morning.

At the end of the first week he had been spotted with the feral cats on the neighbouring farm - hiding in the bales of hay that were stored up. We could see him. We were thrilled! Our problems were over! It was just a matter of catching him now.

Huh! Easier said than done. Whenever we got close he would bolt and hide. It was an impossible situation. Eventually we had to admit defeat. No one was going to catch this crafty cat.

The day dawned when his owners came to fetch him. What a scene! They couldn't believe it. We felt dreadful. They left after berating us with extremely harsh words. We felt even worse.

By then I had attended quite a few meetings. One a night, every night. And I had been listening. Time to hand over this problem to my Higher Power, as I understood Him!

I was still not very comfortable with this and then remembered a video I had seen in which an Al-Anon member confessed that she too had felt uncomfortable about this matter and set up a 'God Box'. It was into this little box that she put all her written requests for help. She had done as much as she could on a problem and then handed it over.

I thought I would try this. So I wrote my request onto a card and placed it into my own 'God Box'. "Dear God, please help me find Mischka. I have tried and tried and have failed. I feel I will not succeed without Your help. Thank You. Love Bobby."

Days went by. Still nothing. I still went out (alone in the mornings now - everybody else had given up) calling and calling. But to no avail.

I was just about to give up myself.

On the Saturday night after New Year I was watching TV alone. It was quite late. I was half-asleep but alerted by a sound in the adjoining kitchen. I full expected to see 'Stranger' - that half-wild ginger cat who used to pop in for a snack whenever he could. As I turned to look I could not believe my eyes. There was Mischka perched on the sill on the inside of the window! Thin and tatty. But very much alive and very willing to be 'captured' by me for safe keeping. He gobbled and gobbled and drank and drank and then fell fast asleep.

He had been delivered to my kitchen that night.

I had been given my sign!

UNITAS, August/September 1999

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How long is a slip?

Al-Anon revisited

By JackieC, Cape Town

Twelve years ago my life miraculously changed when my alcoholic husband found sobriety in AA. His physical, emotional and spiritual sobriety were so complete that within four months I knew that if I didn't find what he had, we would drift apart. I joined Al-Anon and felt very blessed that over the next eight years I was given enough space to change and grow. Despite the pain of self-analysis and dealing with the past, I was extremely happy. I loved service in Al-Anon - it expanded my horizons and helped me to regain my self-esteem. Never did I question the quality of my husband's sobriety - it was so strong that I never feared him drinking again.

Four and a half years ago - after eight years of sobriety - we allowed complacency to creep in. The stinking thinking started well in advance of the plane taking off on our first visit to a tropical island. Like two naughty teenagers, we gave up sobriety wondered if Robbie had ever really been an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker. It was agreed that once we returned home the drinking would stop. How true the view that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful.

Cunning in the way in which it lead us to believe that a holiday on an island could be so much more enjoyable if we had a couple of drinks. Baffling in that the period of sobriety became shorter and shorter after that holiday, even though my husband was determined to stop totally after each crisis. Powerful in showing us that it was an incurable disease and that we were back to where we started as if he had never stopped drinking.

How insidiously the disease started to control our lives again. But I had learned new methods of coping so my reaction to the drinking was different to the period before sobriety. I still called it a 'slip' even though he was into his fourth year of active alcoholism again.

Denial had returned and we were back on the Merry-go-Round. Eventually I acknowledged that this was no longer a slip. I applied the program the same way that I had applied it to living with sobriety - if only I had moved on and learned how to use the program to raise his rock bottom sooner.

I reached my rock bottom when my daughter, who had been overseas for six years and returned nine months ago, shared a discussion that she had with her dad. Out of concern for him, she asked him if he intended to stop drinking again. His reply was that he knew there was a problem but he had made a conscious decision to start again and was not ready to stop. But mom was coping very well!

My perceived coping was enabling him. How ironic? Hearing this set off all my alarm bells. How well everyone thought I was coping, but I acknowledge now that my life was unmanageable and my only form of management was crisis management both in my business and personal life. Putting out fires kept me so busy that I lost focus of what I wanted out of life. My backlog of work made me feel inadequate and my fears returned. Only Al-Anon service and my children helped me to hang on to the threads of sanity. I had to start all over at Step One.

Somehow I found the courage to take action in the form of clinical Intervention.

It has been three months and even though there are no pink clouds, I cherish each sober day and will never take sobriety for granted again. I am starting to function more sanely again with the help of my Higher Power and Al-Anon. Yes - my happiness does depend on sobriety - my own emotional sobriety!

UNITAS, August/September 1999

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The Greatest Trip of All

By Nancy B., Colorado

Things that have happened in my life since I came to Al-Anon have all been gifts, even the uncomfortable things, because Al-Anon has helped me learn from my experiences. The closest example of the way my life has been since I came to Al-Anon would be the time our family took an overnight trip down a fast river. I had been in Al-Anon quite a while and my husband had been "dry" a few years - without a recovery program - when he decided our family should try river rafting. Our sons were 14 and 11 at the time, and our daughter was 12.

We accompanied a friend who had guided many rafting trips. He put our children on a big safe oar boat while my husband and I rowed a separate craft along with four other people and an oar-master. The arrangement seemed innocuous enough. There were experts along, and they said the children would be very safe. They did, however, caution us that we should not lose our oars, because each oar would cost $100.

The trip began serenely enough. We were several boatloads of people happily floating downstream. The first day was easy as we learned how to use all the skills that the oar master taught us. After a night's camp on the shore, we began our second day with the warning that we would be going into class-five rapids - named the "Skull" and the "Funnel." As we progressed, the walls of the canyon squeezed us. Soon we couldn't even talk over the rapids' roar.

The oar-master motioned that we should "row right" of a large rock looming ahead. The boulder was back-lit with spray, making the river look like foaming latte. I could see nothing more, because from there the river dropped. We began rowing for all we were worth, but our boat hit the boulder as if drawn by a magnet - and the boat immediately flipped over. All I knew was freezing water and darkness. Incredibly, I had my oar as I swam up and out from under the raft. I could see that I was hanging briefly on a precipice above a long line of rapids. I just had time to say, "I'm in your hands, God," before I was swept away.

The ride down the canyon in my life jacket was a trip that filled all my senses. Cold water tossed me. Rock walls rushed at me until the very last instant when I missed them. The water tore me along and rocks bumped me all the way. At last I reached relatively calm water at the foot of the Skull.

When I saw my husband, he and our boat mates had been pulled into the big safe boat that